The Courtship of Kurosaki Karin, Espada Style
by Bjorn
Summary: What's a big brother to do when an arrancar wants to date his eleven year old little sister? Beat the tar out of him, of course. A parody poking fun at random pairing fics. GrimmKarin, if you can believe it.


Disclaimer: All characters and other thingies within belong to their respective creators.

Notes: This is mostly an indirect parody of the slew of HitsuKarin fics out there that have apparently sprung into existence thanks to a single filler episode. Which I have not seen. Still, how random can you get? Grimmjow was chosen mostly for comedy factor and because he's my favorite character, I must admit.

Also included are hefty doses of unrealistic romance, a flimsy plot and character mangling of unimaginable levels.

But hey. Doesn't the image of a Buddha crying bloody tears make you at least chuckle?

If you don't get the last line, remember that Karin likes playing soccer. :P

---

**The Courtship of Kurosaki Karin, Espada Style**

---

"Don't get me wrong, shinigami," Grimmjow started, doing his best to look casual and unconcerned and failing miserably. Ichigo frowned immediately; something was amiss. The arrancar had managed to redeem himself in Ichigo's eyes at the end of the entire Las Noches fiasco, saving Rukia from certain death, but that didn't mean he had to like the bastard. The older man looked singularly uncomfortable, as if he'd rather be anywhere but standing in front of Kurosaki Ichigo.

"I was comin' here to kick yer ass, but Ulquiorra gave me these goddamn chocolates and I dunno what to do with 'em." He fished an elaborately wrapped and obviously expensive box of out of his back pocket, holding it delicately.

Ichigo merely raised an eyebrow. "Ulquiorra's dead, Grimmjow. You killed him yourself two months ago."

"Shut up! I'll-" Grimmjow snarled, half-raising his fist before lowering it again with a visible effort. He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "Anyway. I don't need this shit so... I dunno. Give 'em to yer little sister or somethin'. The girl with black hair." He fidgeted before thrusting the box into Ichigo's hands. "I think her name was Karin," he muttered, almost too fast for Ichigo to make out the words, before the odd staccato beat of sonido filled the air and he was gone.

Ichigo stood still for a moment, his eyes blank and his jaw hanging open. He stared down at the box in his hands, absently noting that the bow was tied in an elaborate fashion that made it look like a heart.

"Tell me Grimmjow doesn't have a crush on my sister," he said to the open air, as if trying to convince himself of it. The following silence seemed almost amused, if such a thing could be, as if the universe was laughing at him.

---

"...so me'n Hisagi were at the 5th Division, taking a moment to... oh, hey, Ichigo." Renji waved at the teen from his position on the couch, sprawled haphazardly over half of it. Rukia sat on the other side and gave Ichigo her greetings as well, before noting with concern that he hadn't replied.

"Ichigo?" she asked, half-getting up as the youth passed by clutching what looked like an expensive box of chocolates in his hand. He seemed dead to the world, a vacant stare in his normally vibrant eyes. "Who are those for?" She narrowed her eyes as he continued to ignore her, balling her hand into a fist and gently introducing it to his face.

"Ow!" He raised a hand to his tender nose, glaring at her. "The hell was that for?"

Rukia snarled at him, waving her fist under his nose. "That was for ignoring Renji and I, you idiot. What's the matter with you?"

"Huh? Oh... I..." Ichigo frowned, about to reply before the sound of approaching footsteps made him flinch.

"Ichi-nii!" Karin said, walking over to her big brother. "Did you make Rukia-san hit you again?"

"I didn't make her do anything," Ichigo replied irritably, trying to subtly hide the chocolates behind his back. Of course, it made the motion all the more noticeable. Karin snatched it out of his hand in an instant and had already slipped out the card tucked in under the bow, opening and reading.

She gasped. "To... Karin?!" She blushed for a moment before glaring at her brother. "You were trying to hide these from me. Who are they from?" She scanned the card quickly once more, unable to find a name, but noting that Ichigo was fidgeting guiltily. "You know, don't you?"

"I-"

Karin delivered a quick kick to his shins. "Tell me!"

Ichigo hissed in pain, looking around for an escape route and finding nothing but Renji, who was giving him a sympathetic look but made no motion to help him. Traitor. Rukia looked almost as curious as Karin, apparently taken by the idea of something so romantic as a mystery gift from an unknown admirer. Idiot.

"Err..." Ichigo stalled desperately.

"His name is... uh..."

Karin stared up at him.

"It's..."

So did Rukia.

Ichigo sighed, defeated. He was so fucked.

"It's Grimmjow. Grimmjow Jeagerjaques."

Rukia fainted dead away, hitting the floor in a crumpled heap. Renji gaped for a second before collapsing completely in a fit of barely suppressed laughter.

Karin gasped again, the name unfamiliar to her but strangely exotic. She noted that Rukia had fainted from the mere mention of the name, put one and one together in her mind and came to the conclusion that whoever this Grimmjow was, he was such a hottie that Rukia had apparently fainted of jealousy.

"Do you know what he looks like?" She felt a blush coloring her cheeks. Nobody had ever found her cute, much less attractive enough to give her such an obviously romantic gift. It was all a bit overwhelming for the young girl.

"I-" Ichigo stopped again as an off-key beat briefly sounded in his ears and he found himself holding a photograph. It was a picture of Grimmjow wearing, of all things, a form-fitting white shirt and jeans, holding a leather jacket casually tossed over one shoulder. A roguish grin, the type that made women melt on seeing it, graced his features.

_Where the hell did this come from?_ If it hadn't been for the telltale sound of sonido, he wouldn't even have noticed. He frowned deeply. _The bastard actually released his zanpakuto..._

Karin, on the other hand, had already grabbed the photo and was staring at it avidly, her blush deepening until her face was almost glowing. She squealed. "He is so hot! Oh my god! Oh my god!" She nearly swooned before running upstairs, no doubt to gossip excitedly with Yuzu.

Ichigo was far from noticing, ignoring both the unconscious Rukia and the laughing-his-ass-off Renji. Instead he turned around again, left through the door, and activated his hollow-detector, freeing himself from his body. A quick burst of concentration later, the youth was standing dressed in a torn black coat, a solid black katana held in his hand.

After a moment's deliberation, he raised his hand to his forehead, his fingers curled as if to grasp an invisible object of some sort.

"Grimmjow," he said calmly to the open air, "prepare to die."

The mask came down.

---

It was an epic battle fought high in the sky above Karakura Town. The earth quaked, the heavens trembled. Five miles away at the Karakura Temple, the huge stone statue of the Buddha wept tears of blood.

The combatants were not fighting for glory, nay. Nor were they fighting for truth, or justice, or whatever else it was that noble people fought for.

Grimmjow was fighting for love - or at least whatever emotion was as close to love as his black and twisted heart could manage.

Ichigo was fighting to beat the shit out of the creep putting the moves on his underage sister.

The flurry of flashing blades and razor claws finally petered out half an hour later, as did the blasts of pure energy that had lit up the evening sky as bright as day. Both warriors collapsed to the ground flat on their backs, unable to summon the will to fight any longer.

Ichigo's mask shattered into a thousand jagged shards of bone before disippating completely, leaving the teenager gasping for breath. Beside him, Grimmjow reverted to his human form, his hair shortening while his armored plates of his resurreccion changed back into clothes.

They stayed like that for a while, both tired beyond belief. Zangetsu lay broken beside Ichigo, the blade completely snapped off at the hilt when he'd blocked Grimmjow's Desgarron.

Neither man could muster the energy to do more than breathe, every muscle aching, the blood running through their veins feeling like liquid fire. Both of them were completely spent, but through a small miracle Grimmjow managed to spare the breath needed to talk.

"Oi... Ichigo."

"Huh?"

There hung another pregnant silence, broken only by the sound of harsh, ragged breathing. Ichigo thought he might faint from sheer exhaustion.

"...Do I haveta call ya nii-san?"

Somehow, Ichigo found the strength in himself to beat the fucker with his bare hands until he passed out.

---

The last straw, Ichigo thought a decade later, was when the idiot showed up in a soccer uniform.

At the wedding.


End file.
